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The Nobodys

State Theater, St. Petersburg, FL July 15, 2000

The last time I saw the Nobodys, it was at 513 in Atlanta. My friends and I drank all the Budweiser and Newcastle in stock, attacked an opening band with toilet paper, watched an incredible Nobodys set, then ended up partying with the Nobodys at the notorious Clairmont Lounge, where dancers had once supposedly sold GG Allin shots of urine, where the legendary Blondie still crushes beer cans between her breasts. I knew the Nobodys at the State Theater in St. Pete wouldn't live up to my last Nobodys experience. They couldn't possibly. I was still excited to see them, though.

I'd never been to the State Theater before, and now I know why. After having to drive through Orlando, toll-wise the greediest city in the world, I went into the State Theater and wanted to rename it the State Fair because of the way they price everything to make sure you leave broke. The Nobodys at 513 a year ago only cost five bucks, and that included cheap beer and four opening acts. Three of those opening bands were pretty good (the fourth, of course, being attacked by toilet paper [which they threw at us, first, by the way. We just managed to hit our target]). The Nobodys at the State Theater were eight bucks, and that included three opening bands that should have paid me to watch them. The first band (sorry, I forgot their name) did that kind of heavy metal passed off as hardcore with the singer deep throating the microphone to give that devil within kind of sound. The second band (I do remember their name, I'm just not going to give them any publicity, bad or otherwise) wanted to be Van Halen with a fat, long-hair lead singer. The only pleasure I got out of them was when my friend Brian and I heckled them and noticed the shocked look on the faces of two girls standing next to us. When I realized that the two girls were dating the band members, yet had to withstand the full brunt of the hecklage, I felt a little vindicated. The third band played predictable rock and roll very competently. I could appreciate how well they played their instruments, but I cursed the music they chose to play. Then came the Nobodys.

The Nobodys didn't fuck around. They launched directly into their first five songs in ten minutes. They didn't pause to talk or tune up or pull any rock star bullshit. They played tight and fast and rocked through all their goofy songs about trashy women and masturbation and other such intellectually enlightening songs. They played favorites like "James Got a Blow Job," "Joy Got a Tit Job," "Vaseline and a Magazine," "Fuck You, Too," "(I Wanna Fuck) Your Girlfriend," and, well, you get the point. They played a bunch of songs off of each of their four albums and did a few covers, including one Gotohells cover, I guess in honor of being in the Gotohells hometown. A healthy circle pit spun throughout the whole show, and all the opening bands got to hang around and see what punk rock was all about. After about forty-five minutes, the Nobodys said their thank you and good night, then hung around on the edge of the stage. No one left, but everyone was too cool and punk rock to demand an encore. The house lights still didn't come on, so finally, JJ from the Nobodys walked out and said meekly into the microphone, "You guys want more?" at which point everyone went nuts and the Nobodys played five more songs in ten more minutes, including "Perfect" (their homage to porn star Taylor Wane), "Hubie" (their homage to the former Queers drummer, Hugh O'Neill), and "Scarred by Love" (which probably isn't an homage to anyone, but it's a really cool song). I didn't end up drinking the place out of beer, though I did drink myself out of money (sadly, before I got drunk), and I didn't head out afterwards with the Nobodys to any nefarious strip joints, but, in the end, it was a hell of a good time. You can't go wrong with the Nobodys.